A really fun thing about me is that I have been treating myself terribly for YEARS. Not so much physically (although I could probably do to lay off the pickled onion Monster Munch, but that’s a hurdle for another day) but definitely mentally. I am the person they mean when they say “Would you talk to your friends the same way you talk to yourself?!?!?!?!” and every time I read that, it highlights how much of a nasty bitch I am to myself in my own head, despite the fact that I would jump in front of a moving train for any one of my friends, AND YET I struggle to change it.
I can feel eyes rolling from here, “What’s this?!” You ask. “Another snowflake millennial talking about her mental health?!” Well yes, actually, and I don’t want to put you off reading any further but I’ll almost certainly mention my therapist at some point so be prepared for that too. It’s not all bad though, because I’ve already talked about Monster Munch and I bet that’s made you go ‘Yeah, you know what? I could go a bag of Monster Munch, maybe the roast beef ones? They were pretty good weren’t they?? And do you remember those ones that made your tongue go blue that came out in the 90s???’ and then you’ll be having a nice time eating delicious crisps and thinking about your youth and you’ll have forgotten the fact that I’m just a whiney woman on the internet prattling on about my mental health, although maybe I’ll be a whiney woman with a sweet Monster Munch brand deal by the end of this. WHO KNOWS.
Anyway (gonna hit you with another ‘woman in her 30s’ stereotype: I think I have ADHD which I don’t say for attention but mainly to contextualise that tangent about Monster Munch) all that to say, I haven’t ever really been that kind to myself. For as long as I can remember I’ve held myself to an exacting set of standards for no real reason, and I can be a real arsehole to myself when I don’t meet the arbitrary rules and regulations I’ve set in my own head. I’m going to conveniently gloss over the root of that behaviour because I’m not quite sure I’ve got it fully figured out yet, but I wanted to talk about something that’s helping me to get a handle on it in case it’s helpful to you too.
I was talking to my therapist (DING DING DING!!!) about my, frankly, insane brain and I was chatting about how my overthinking had led to a meltdown over something that wasn’t actually that big of a deal, and it was certainly a problem I could have solved by just talking through it in the first place instead of coming up with one million alternative awful scenarios, and we were discussing how I could have approached it. After noodling through some alternatives for a while, she said:
“Think about what you’d normally do and then do the opposite.”
And it’s kind of changed my life.
So that’s what I have been doing. When I’ve wanted to give up on something or not start something or been scared to make a decision about something, I’ve said to myself, ‘What would I normally do?’ and then I do the opposite. When I’ve been worried about putting myself out there, I just do it and see what happens. When I want to talk myself out of something and pick the safe, easy route, I stand up to my brain and say ‘But what could I learn if I do it a different way?’
I’ve been kinder to and more patient with myself too, like if something does take me longer because it’s more difficult then I treat myself with compassion, allowing things to be imperfect or not quite finished or pushed to the next day because that’s absolutely fine and apart from me, who really cares?
I don’t know what it’s like not to have a brain that would have had you committed to an asylum in Victorian times, so I wonder if this is something that is unbelievably obvious to the normal person, but for me it’s been a game changer. I’ve applied for jobs, pitched for work and reached out to people that I would have talked myself out of in the past. It has made me focus on the things I want to do instead of the things I’ve been constantly telling myself I should do, and it has given me some hope for my future.
I have spent years wondering where my place is, how to try and fit into a world that doesn’t seem to want me, and how to pretend to be a regular grown up when my own brain is my worst enemy. But I’m slowly learning but perhaps I have been part of the problem. I’ve mentally beaten myself up to the point where I don’t know how to stand up for myself, how to allow myself to ask for what I really want, or how to even find out what that is.
I’ve always struggled to trust my gut because I’m an overthinker and oftentimes my gut is drowned out by the chatter in my brain, so I don’t spend time listening to myself. I rely on other people to help me, or use other people’s opinions to inform my own view of myself, but the opposite theory (trademark pending) is helping me to figure out who I am. I'm no longer holding myself to the ‘shoulds’ of comparison and I’m being patient with myself, choosing just to focus on today rather than stressing about the ‘what-ifs’ of the future and past decisions that I’ve treated as regrets but are really just moments for learning.
It’s only been a few weeks of implementing the opposite theory, but it feels like a manageable way of making changes. As someone who frequently feels like running away and creating a new life on the other side of the world, it feels nice to have a way of working on my mental health without blowing up my current life and starting all over again.
[I will caveat all of the above and say it’s not always easy. Some days I can feel myself slipping into old, easy, comfortable habits and it takes real effort not to just turn into the victim of my own nasty brain. But I just have to take it one day at a time and forgive myself when I slip up.]
I’d be interested to know about small changes you’ve made that have actually made a difference to your everyday life. I’m talking, tiny baby steps; things that you think are probably so obvious to someone else that it actually makes you feel a bit stupid. Those are the kind of things I want to know.
Enough prattling on from me; maybe I’ll elaborate on this a bit more further down the road when I’ve implemented the opposite theory on some big life decisions, but for now I just wanted to say that if you feel like you don’t know how to get out of your own way just keep on truckin, ask for help and you’ll get there. Turns out there is not on size fits all answer for how to fix a brain. Who knew?!?!?
Enjoy your Monster Munch xx
As someone who has struggled with the inside of their own head for as long as I can remember, I also want to say that, annoyingly, talking about it does help, so make sure you reach out to someone if you need to. You can call The Samaritans on 116 123 or find other ways to contact them here: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/
