Hey besties. In the aftermath of another Mother’s Day over the weekend, I’ve been noodling about what it means to me as I move through the world as a woman who doesn’t want children.
I have always known that I didn’t want to be a mother and it’s never been a big deal for me, it’s just part of who I am; I don’t like aubergines, I’m bad at maths, the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap is one of my favourite films, I don’t want to have children. I have never felt the ticking clock of expiring ovaries or the whispering pangs of potential regret, worrying about a day in the future where I wonder what might have been, and I’m interested to know if anyone else feels like this too. Like it was never really a decision for me, it’s just how it is.
The conversation around motherhood, the decisions involved, and the many different ways women can parent is a constant in our news cycle. Whether it’s mothers who go back to work after having babies, those who choose to be parents in different ways, those who don’t want to be mothers, or those fighting for the right to have autonomy over their bodies to be able to choose whether or not they have children at all; we each have our own set of choices and an individual story to tell.
When you don’t want children, there is the assumption that you must have a reason - usually a decision that was difficult to come to - and I think that gets people a little spooked. When you’re a certain age and you say you don’t have children, there’s a worry that something’s been said that might upset you and understandably so - for many people it can be a difficult conversation - but it’s not the case for everyone.
Here’s the thing; I want to talk about my choices! Maybe I need to be better at opening up conversations, but I want you to ask me about my life and I want to talk to you about yours! To let you know that my decisions are ok and that yours are ok too! That we can have different opinions on things and still be friends!! I think conversations around motherhood are often shut down by differing choices and experiences, but to learn about each other helps us understand our own choices even better.
I guess I just want to add another perspective to the conversation; that choosing not to be a parent is not a difficult decision for everyone, and that’s ok. Sometimes I feel guilty that my choice is so simple, but I refuse to feel bad about it. I will not feel like I have a duty or a responsibility, or that I should just because I might be able to. I’m not going to be made to feel selfish, or that my decisions are right or wrong in relation to someone else’s.
Given that I struggle to make a choice if there’s more than two types of olive oil available at the supermarket, it never ceases to amaze me that I am so assured about this part of my life. Maybe it’s proof that deep down, we (I) really do know what we (I) want, and that making that actual decision isn’t difficult - sometimes it’s all the feelings that come with it that we don’t want to acknowledge.
I don’t ever remember imagining a future where children were part of my life. I didn’t have a childhood full of dolls and prams and other tiny baby paraphernalia; Disney princesses and pink accessories just weren’t my vibe (not that there’s anything wrong with any of those things). I did have Barbies, but even now I remember the most important aspects of their lives were their fashion choices and their independence. What’s that babe, you want to be a vet today? Let’s do it. And yes, I totally agree that tomorrow seems like it’s going to be a Dolly Parton inspired jumpsuit and white cowboy boots kind of vibe. God, those bitches were stylish.
As I got older, most of my free time went on reading which opened my mind to so many different ideas, experiences and opportunities, and I never felt pushed towards a certain type of life. There was no ‘when you’re married’ or ‘when you have children’ from anyone close to me, and I had strong female family influences who didn’t have children. I always believed I could make my own choices.
One of my favourite stereotypes about people who don’t want to be parents is that they *hate* children, but I can confirm this is not true. Ok tiny bestie, you want someone to chat with you for hours on end about Moana / Star Wars / Bluey / Baby Shark (delete as applicable)? What’s that, you want someone to engage in the same repetitive game for the next two hours? Well buckle up kiddo, because I am your gal.
I don’t have a problem with other people having children at all. Just because it’s not something I want doesn’t mean I don’t want you to have it. In fact, nothing brings me more joy that finding out my friends who want to be parents are expecting babies! Seeing them grow into tiny versions of their parents, aka my friends, is so cool to see, but there’s definitely an underlying assumption in wider society that if you don’t want children of your own, then you’re a big mean lady who lives in a sterile white home and owns lots of designer sofas that children might draw on.
I’ve had people (who barely know me) tell me “You’ll change your mind when you’re older!!!” (14 years ago and counting) and I’ve seen how my answer to the question of whether I have kids is beginning to make people feel more uncomfortable as I hurtle towards my mid-thirties. Want to shut down a conversation in less than five seconds? Tell people you don’t know very well, who already have children of their own, that you don’t have or want your own kids.
I’m interested to see how the narrative changes as I approach my forties. I don’t know if it’s because I’m assured in my choices, or whether I just give off an unapproachable vibe, but I haven’t really had anyone get upset about my choices so far. There’s been the odd person who thinks it’s “sad” that I have chosen to not have children, like their happiness and my reproductive choices have any kind of correlation, but I haven’t had any real opposition. Yet. (Secretly, I’m quite annoyed about it. I would relish the opportunity to give both barrels to someone that thinks I should be having children, or who thinks that my womb is any of their business, but annoyingly everyone’s pretty chill about it.)
I could talk about this topic for the rest of my LIFE, but I have to wrap this up somehow. I suppose what I wanted to talk about was the fact that it doesn’t have to always be so difficult?! We’re allowed to know ourselves and be confident in our choices - we don’t even need to justify them! I also wanted to know if anyone else feels the same way or has similar thoughts in relation to their own choices - is there anything that you think should have been trickier than it is for you?
Hit me up in the comments if you have thoughts, let’s talk about it.
As always, thank you for reading. This was a bit of a long’un (😏) but again, drop by the comments with thoughts, opinions, if you enjoyed it, if you hated it, I am needy for feedback. See ya next week xx
It’s also a non-choice for me, I don’t think about it at all. It’s as simple as that x x